In my much anticipated comeback, (ok no one anticipated it at all and as far as the blogosphere is concerned I am as significant as that snail you accidentally trod on last week), I have decided to take to the web again to vent my angsty London-induced/commuter/wrong-side-of-25-er views again! Rejoice!
In previous episodes I have tickled you with my hilarious (sure) and oh-so-insightful musings on stupid sayings (the "phrases that get my goat" series, or PTGMG if you will).
Now I think it's time we focused on TTGMG, the things that get my goat, rather than just the phrases, as after all there are so many of them!
Here goes...
Things That Get My Goat
1. T F f***ing L
I find it most charming how almost every time I use my Oyster card to travel from my nearest station to Waterloo, it charges me double what it should, in what I can only assume is some mother-of-all-cock-ups of supposedly "labour saving" technology. The worst part is that I can't be arsed to formally complain or queue up to speak to some disinterested ticket-monkey therefore they have won! If there's on thing you need to know about me, Boris, it's that I don't like losing... Beware you mop-headed buffoon!
2. The curse of the deafblind commuter
Alert the press! Call the World Health Organisation! A virus is spreading amongst the gaggle of commuters who make the daily pilgrimage to the South East's answer to industrial Mecca, Woking. It seems that the main symptoms of said virus are blindness to other passengers and their need to sit, deafness to your pleas of "excuse me" and "can I sit down?", and a strange and unwholesome odour akin to 2 parts Joop, one part sweat, one part misery. The most severely affected victims have adopted a zombie-like state and follow a ritualistic routine of placing their laptop/coat/cello on the seat next to the window and then they park themselves in the aisle seat. Most considerate. Experience has taught me that the best way to deal with one of the infected specimens is to greet them with a beaming smile (they don't know what's hit them), and a settling-down-into-your-favourite-arm-chair bum wiggle and elbow nudge into their rib cage. Works a treat!
3. The call of nature
In all seriousness, I find needing to go to the loo a massive inconvenience. Especially when I'm at work. I have started to adopt a method whereby I literally challenge myself to complete just a few more lines on the spreadsheet, or read two more emails before having to force myself up to go and relieve myself. It's partly down to the bloody door entry system (getting access to our office in the morning is like Mission Impossible set during the 2012 Olympic Games after a severe terrorist threat). See also: http://eloiseparker-picken.blogspot.co.uk/2009/08/c-m-why-k.html?m=1 with reference to work related door issues. Ironically I play a similar sort of game when it comes to refilling my glass of water. Despite having a raspy tongue and dry throat, I often venture on, taking on the world one red flag at a time.
That's all for now folks, but don't worry, there'll be more soon, after all I am massively intolerant to most things.
TTFN, from TTGMG
