Life Lessons – Number 1: Follow Your Gut

This is familiar. It’s 10:44am on a Friday and I’m already bored, sat at my laptop, still wearing my pyjamas and wondering where it all went wrong. Again. Yep, it’s that old familiar friend we like to call ‘unemployment’. Except this time I can’t complain too much, as the predicament I find myself in is self-inflicted.
Six weeks ago I thought I’d hit the jackpot big-time. Having landed my ‘Dream Job’ at a top-ten creative Ad Agency in London my vision of moving to the Big Smoke and becoming an uber-successful, respected media-type was finally coming to fruition, 2 ½ years after graduating.
Sadly things did not go the way I had hoped.
I will not go too far into the gory details, but let’s just say sometimes the idea of something is a far cry from the reality of it. Ever seen ‘The Devil wears Prada’?!
From day one the niggling doubts had already surfaced and began to gnaw away inside my head. Why was I still at the office at 7pm without having taken a lunch break on my first day? Was this ‘normal’?! By day three there were the first tears and an HR intervention. By the weekend the paranoid nightmares had begun (“Did I send the client that urgent document?”, “OhMyGod, you didn’t organise that meeting with the MD...or did you...?”, “Shit, tomorrow is the international conference call and I have no idea what to say!” etc...)
Exhaustion had set in by day five and there were more tears as I gradually realised that everything I thought I had wanted in a job was wrong. But then things seemed to get better... but not for long.
As with most things, it is always advisable to follow your gut instinct. I knew from the start that things weren’t right and yet I was so stubborn and determined to make it work out that I drove myself into the ground, until denial was simply not enough to cover the cracks anymore.
By the fourth week I had a panic attack on the tube on the way in to work – purely through stress and anxiety at the mere prospect of even having to go in. That night I cried and cried until I fell asleep – again purely through the worry of what to do – I couldn’t possibly throw this opportunity away and yet I couldn’t possibly stay. The next day after some firm words from my mum, boyfriend and friends I plucked up the courage to voice my feelings – this just was not working out the way I had hoped and through the pressure I was putting on myself my anxiety had increased tenfold.
The next day I handed my notice in – but with the promise of having a discussion with the Client Partner (my most senior manager) upon his return from holiday on the Monday about changing the role in an attempt to make me stay. Of course this was hugely flattering and yet it made my decision even harder for me. How could I possibly leave now?
The rest of the week was tearful and I had become a total recluse, instead of holding my head high as I walked to the station I dragged my feet, eyes facing the ground. I stopped wearing mascara because I knew that there would inevitably be tears. I didn’t want to eat or talk to any of my friends – just wanted to curl into a ball and ignore the rest of the world. All this over a job!

This probably sounds ridiculous to some of you – and I realise that in the great scale of things this was a minor glitch on an otherwise relatively clean sheet. And yet this work drama became all-consuming – I was at the office for 10 hours a day, commuting an hour and quarter either side of that, going straight to bed and having nightmares only to get up and do it all again the next day.
I finally summoned the courage to email my boss and say ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ on another tearful Saturday where it had simply gone too far and I knew that something had to be done. I immediately felt rejuvenated and relived. Simply by having taken control of the situation my whole outlook had changed – other jobs would come along and the bottom line was about happiness, not slaving away and struggling for years doing something detestable.
My decision was validated as I handed over to my replacement – as she clutched her face between her hands with that oh-so-familiar look of utter terror and imminent freaking out. For the first time in almost 5 ½ weeks I felt happy and my normal self as I walked out of the doors and didn’t look back.
So... back to the unemployed part... It’s not so bad – I already have an interview for a temporary role which should tide me over while I decide exactly what I want in a job and where I want to be. Recent events have shown me that it’s not about the name of the company you work for, nor the salary, nor the location that makes a job great. It’s about being comfortable, enjoying the work and actually wanting to be there.
The moral of the story? Follow your instincts and count your blessings – there is always someone who is far worse off than you. Life’s a bitch and whether it’s in your job, your relationships or your family life there are always going to be tough times so make the best of the hand you’re dealt with and always, always go with what feels right for you.
(I’d give Jerry Springer a run for his money!)
Over and out.